Brad Armstrong's Speed DVD | MC AV

Not another movie about fast bikes and fast women—like that's never been done before! So what is director Brad Armstrong's angle? What's so special about Speed? Whoa, hang on a sec—that's different! Oh my goodness, she's flexible. The Biker Boyz never did that!

Armstrong's erotic drama tells a fictional, sordid tale of life on the L.A. urban bike-club scene. Obviously, the 2009 Adult Video News Director of the Year isn't a bike guy. An Interceptor beats a 'Busa in a drag race? Sure it does. And when the most lean angle a bike gets is on its sidestand, this clearly isn't a movie about riding motorcycles. Maybe he should have referenced Torque a few more times? At least the acting was enlightening: I never knew Jessica Drake had her wisdom teeth removed!

Speaking of “acting,” I was blown away by Kirsten Price, who plays a sassy, foul-mouthed bike-shop owner forced to serve as a police informant to save her dying father, who’s serving a life sentence. I was particularly impressed by her ability to multi-task, balancing on a bike while “servicing” a customer. I bet she trains with a shake weight...

But let’s revisit the biggest problem with this movie: The motorcycle riding is boring. Sure, that stand-up wheelie was bitchin’. And that rolling burnout looked ballsy. But when Kaylanni Lei is the only one getting some knee-down action, it’s tough to call Speed a motorcycle movie. Someone get that poor girl some knee pucks, stat!

To paraphrase Lance Armstrong, “it’s not about the bikes.”