Mesoamerica, Dec. 21—Just when we were all slicking back our hair, spritzing on a fresh coat of AXE and getting ready to meet our Maker comes news that perhaps those prescient Mayans may have gotten some of the details a bit cross-threaded. Whitworth, Metric, Mayan—it’s an easy mistake. Hey, when you’re trying to predict the end of the world a couple thousand years in advance by swirling capybara entrails around with a stick, there’s bound to be a bit of error!
Suddenly apologetic ancient Mayan researchers have now refigured the end of humanity to land squarely in the early 1980s. That’s in the past, for those not so good with numbers. Amazingly, the Last Page research team has located photos of the actual moment that life as we know it ended. Nope, it wasn’t an asteroid hit: Humanity perished when this senseless, soul-killing Harley-Davidson custom was rolled out into the hot Daytona sunshine in ’81. Honestly, how could we go on after this? Oh, yes, civilization survived, but we all died a little inside. Note to hand-wringing ancient Mayans: Next time, please make your predictions a little easier to figure out!
So, given the fact that the world won’t actually end this year, perhaps more than a few of us should consider squirreling away a little something for retirement instead of blowing it all on steaming hot Cinnabons and December 20th keggers. And you may want to renew your Motorcyclist subscription after all… MC