Sturgins Gone Wild: The Inside Story | Last Page

One small crotch-grab for man...

Park City, UT Jul. 28 -

By now you’ve certainly read the gripping account in this issue of staffers Ari and Aaron’s first trip to the legendary Black Hills Motorcycle Rally. Though they feign the cool indifference of swaggering knee-puck elitists in their story, it was no secret around the office that the pair was, in fact, bubbling over at the thought of visiting Sturgis.

They had seen pictures from years past, of course, and their young eyes sparkled with delight as they anticipated the adventure ahead. Perhaps they would see a custom bike; maybe even a Harley!

But would they fit in, in their adorable, form-fitting, impact-resistant leather suits? Shift doesn’t make a leather wife-beater with CE-approved body armor, and it was much too late to custom-order something. No worries, they reckoned; all motorcyclists share a special universal bond. Surely a quick whimsical crotch-grab would break the ice with the mobs of unwashed Sturgis Faithful. After all, it’s a gesture so universally understood that it was laser-etched onto the greeting plaque of the Pioneer 10 space probe back in the 1970s as a sign of welcome to alien civilizations. If aliens get it, surely the nice people of South Dakota would, too.

Well, actually no: Shortly after phoning-in their story to our offices, according to the Sturgis Bugler, both lads were mowed down by Guns of Freedom employees and left in an open-pit latrine at the edge of town. Ouch! Let's hope the aliens don't respond the same way to mankind when they see that plaque...