Obscure Legislation To Go Into Effect January 1st: What You Need To Know

Kalamazoo, MI, December 7, 2012—

As 2012 winds down like a two-dollar pocket watch, it’s time to look ahead to the bright, shining promise of the new year. As motorcyclists, it’s always wise to catch up on what busy state legislators all across this great land of ours have conjured up for us in the new year. Fasten your helmet strap, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Texas Assembly Bill 7036: The Sit The Hell Down And Ride Act Of 2013. To staunch the epidemic of stand-up freeway wheelies that have become a pox upon the land, all street-legal motorcycles sold after January 1, 2013, in the great state of Texas must have a seat-mounted mil-spec ass detector. Spark shall be interrupted unless the detector determines at least one cheek is planted firmly on the seat. Financial impact: $318 per vehicle. Personal impact: Invasive at first. Later, mildly intriguing.

Colorado General Assembly Bill 2386: The Grow A Spine And Pick It Up Act Of 2013. To stem the societal decline as bikes (and riders) grow fatter and heavier, each motorcycle over 400 pounds shall be equipped with a breakaway sidestand that will spontaneously and unpredictably fail. Those machines that are not lifted upright within three (3) minutes of spontaneous sidestand failure will be rendered unlicensable, except within the city limits of Leadville.

Daytona Beach Beautification Advisory Board Gentle Suggestion 1340: The Harley-Davidson Big Twin Drapery Act of 2013. Henceforth all Harley-Davidson Big Twins shall be draped in heavy cloth and hidden from view each Thursday during Bike Week. We’ve frankly seen them quite enough; we totally get that they have a 45-degree V-angle, they go potato-potato and there’s chrome and such. But we’re all getting pretty tired around here and we’d appreciate a little rest, even if it's only for a day.