“Final Frontier” Prototype Promises Eternal Touring, Maggots | Last Page

Dead End Ahead

Haddonfield, ILL., Oct. 31—

As the prime touring demographic arcs over the top of the parabola like the losing squash in a pumpkin chunkin' contest, manufacturers are struggling to find a way to keep lifetime riders on two wheels far into their golden years—and even past them. Coincidentally, the mortuary industry, challenged with a typically lifeless customer base, is looking to partner with a motorcycle company to the mutual benefit of both. Thus the "afterlife touring rig" prototype recently spied by Last Page operatives.

It’s an inevitable development: Some want their remains launched into orbit for eternity. Others want enormous pyramids erected in their memory—that’s right, dessicated ancient Egyptians, we just called you out. So, is it so outlandish that there may be others who want their remains to tour the vast interstates and scenic byways of America for all eternity?

Indeed, the proposed afterlife tourer offers everything the deceased owner could want, including professional riding chauffer, backseat eye candy and all scheduled maintenance. Embalming and open-casket roadside viewings are available for a modest extra charge.

And eager afterlife product planners are busily conjuring up appealing upgrades, like a “Party On” package that equips the casket with the ability to tip-up vertically onto a built-in Segway electric powertrain. GPS can automatically guide the upright casket right into the deceased’s favorite watering holes to “knock back a few” with old pals. Sure, the beer tastes flavorless and the conversation is a little flat, but there’s never a hangover. And nobody ever expects the dead guy to pick up the tab.