Burnout for Freedom 2011 Kicks into High Gear
Washington, D.C., Dec. 9-
With an economy still teetering on the brink of an Ambien-munching, darkly suicidal depression, President Obama's "Burnout for Freedom 2011" is still on track. Slated for July 4th, the event is intended to kick-start the economy by getting all 10.5 million registered motorcycles in America to line up bar-to-bar for a coast-to-coast burnout at high noon (11 a.m. Central, 10 a.m. Mountain, 9 a.m. Pacific and whenever you guys feel like it in Alaska and Hawaii, because we can't really see you from here).
By federal pronouncement, all law-enforcement agencies will stand down at the appointed time, allowing us bikers to engulf the streets, elevators, pre-schools and Hometown Buffets of America in an acrid cloud of flying molten rubber rocked by the wail of shrieking engines. Lured by the temptation of a penalty-free 10 minutes of senseless hooning, the event will vulcanize (perhaps literally) the motorcycling community into a precisely placed counter-shock to the very heart of a national economy that's just a toe-tag away from checking out.
How could such a stunt help the economy? Via the new national "Tire Day" holiday that will take place every year on July 5th, of course! (Sorry National Composting Day, you've just had your ass kicked). With 10.5 million flamed rear tires needing replacement, the spike in sales will be profound, and there will surely be some wrenches spinning in earnest. As of press time, Ernest was unavailable for comment.