Last Page - 2011 Racing Season Expected to be Not Worth Watching

By Jeff Karr, Photography by Gold & Goose

Valencia, Nov. 8-
With the 2011 racing season looming, talks are still ongoing with the International Umbrella/Trophy Girl Union in hopes of avoiding a threatened strike that could decimate global attendance and viewership for the entire season-plunging the world economy into a 1000-year-long depression that could ultimately kill every living thing on earth, with the exception of the cockroach, which typically survives this sort of thing.

The threatened walkout was, of course, triggered by a particularly heinous champagne-hosing during the 2010 season that left a hapless trophy girl sodden with a partially dislodged contact lens. We shouldn't be surprised. Predicted by the Web Bot (ever hear of Google?), this pivotal moment is now widely accepted by experts as the tipping point of the "End Times."

Whatever. Ever since Conan was relegated to Basic Cable, it's been pretty hard to care about this whole "civilization" thing. But with strong support from the Union of Concerned Overweight Male Photographers, there may still be hope for reconciliation.

Meanwhile the elite racers face an unknown future. As Valentino Rossi said in an exclusive, imagined satellite-phone interview, "The pretty girls, they don't like the champagne. Too much stinging in the eyes, no?" No indeed, Vale. Or yes: Vale's double negatives are always problematic.

By Jeff Karr
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