CALIFORNIA CITY, Cal., Sept. 11-Though many of Isaac Newton's theories have been taking hits for the last century or so (right, Einstein?), recent research has confirmed that in a lot of practical ways, Sir Al had it right. But still there are doubts. To lay them to rest, the dedicated research department here at Motorcyclist magazine conducts pioneering research that is passed on to you, our loyal readers, via the pulp-based interface you now hold in your trembling, inquisitive hands.
Junior staff members are typically tagged for this important work, as the more experienced staffers make themselves scarce when white-coated researchers start prowling the cubicles at our new editorial hive, positioned high on the scenic bluffs above the romantic, gondola-choked canals of El Segundo. Fresh-faced Associate Editor Ari Henning was the only one not hiding under a desk recently and was whisked away to a high-desert proving ground to test the effects of loose triple-clamp bolts on high-speed wheelies. Pulling on a set of custom-tailored and instrumented leathers, the youngster was not informed of the test to make sure the results wouldn't be tainted by "placebo effect." He was simply told that "the ladies of the desert" would be watching, and that he might want to "go big."
And big he went, riding a long, lurid, three-gear wheelie, ending in an abrupt stop as the front end collapsed, jamming the front wheel into the engine as the fork tubes did what fork tubes do when they haven't been snugged up. Ari's leathers generated over a gigabyte of data during the impact, which we plan to upload to a cloud-based server and then completely forget about. Ari, we thank you, and we'd venture to guess that Sir Isaac Newton thanks you, too. We're just glad you didn't join him under that great apple tree in the sky.