Last Page - Study Reveals Horizontally Opposed Twins Promote Bikini Usage

By Jeff Karr

San Fernando Valley, Calif., June 9-The results of an eagerly awaited, 40-year study have been released, and to those in the know, the findings are startling. In a sample weighted for race, gender and shoe size, it has been determined that opposed-twin motorcycles trigger spontaneous donning of bikinis in good-looking blond women. The implications of this news, while not earth-shattering, could at least be stimulating.

"I think the finding is highly compelling," says "Dr." Enrique Bandersnatch, an itinerant drywall installer not connected with the study. "What we've got here is the most convincing reason ever for choosing an opposed-twin over other engine configurations. What they lack in mass centralization pales in comparison to this much more important measure of performance."

Despite results that owners of certain BMWs may find encouraging, some voices have called the validity of the study into question. "The sample size could have been larger," says Alex Carter, a McDonald's manager and part-time statistician, also not associated with the study. "The sample size in the study amounted solely to Ms. Kemmelto. Like ... just her. And I don't think it's accurate to project one woman's behavior onto the entire population based on what she did while posing for some cheesecake calendar one summer afternoon in 1970. Um, do you want fries with that?"

Besides, from what Last Page has learned, Ms. Kemmel to isn't rocking a bikini much anymore. Apparently the old "horizontal twins" aren't quite so horizontal anymore. Earl, the author of the study, could not be reached for comment.

By Jeff Karr
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