CRANKED | Brands Hatching

Inspired by the successful, co-branded Harley-Davidson/Ford F-150 pickup, and in an effort to supplement a failing money supply from Washington D.C., Halliburping has gone green! The world premiere for the industry-leading regime change subcontractor's first environmentally sensitive, alternate-fuel motorcycle, the coal-burning FLTHROWBAK, was held at Baghdad's Armageddon, a biker bar-themed children's self-esteem center. The entirely new model, an external combustion, single expansion, steam-driven touring bike, is not your typical rattle-clone retro. Weighing in at a svelte 2400 pounds dry, the FLTHROWBAK's tonnage rapidly increases as the gracefully stretched, 1500 psi-rated, 240-gallon boiler is filled with scale-fighting, Halliburping-supplied, depleted-plutonium heavy water. Any thoughts of corner carving will be dispelled once the cleverly designed flip-lid, coal-chute saddlebags are loaded to their two-cubic-yard capacity. With this much mass bearing down upon the earth, one has to admire Halliburping's sustainable engineering chutzpah for specifying old-growth California Redwood for the twin spar frame and whalebone for the 20-spoke drive wheel.

As is to be expected with any design this far out on the edge, there are some slight differences in the FLTHROWBAK's control layout that any competent rider should get the hang of within a few thousand miles. Braking is accomplished by rapidly flipping a lever on the shuttlecock, causing the drive wheel to spin in the opposite direction. A quarter-turn ball valve connected to the fly-by-reach-rod throttle requires a smooth hand to avoid blowing the renewable polar bear-hide pressure hoses. With a single 12-inch-bore piston, no transmission is needed or desired as the T-Back's rider has his hands full shoveling coal, blowing the whistle at railroad crossings, and organizing wildcat strikes.

In other co-branding news, a well-known fast food chain has decided to take the idea to the next level by introducing its very own motorcycle: the footlong Jared-Boy. Built to order at thousands of gas stations and eerily vacant strip malls across America, the Jared-Boy is a healthier, low-calorie version of Harley-Davidson's currently popular Fat Boy model. The most dramatic feature of the new bike is the fresh-baked-daily, torpedo-shaped fuel tank. The tooled-gristle saddle is both comfy and commodious, and is easily removable after several months of dieting. For those with the traveling urge, pita bread soft-bags are a sporty yet low-carb option. The popular sandwich chain is working hard to keep jobs here in America by specifying local vendors. The front wheel is made entirely from a CNC-machined block of ultra-sharp, aged Wisconsin cheddar cheese.

The FLJB's yummy looks are more than crust deep, however. The limited edition six-inch stroker engine (you can supersize to a 12 inch stroker for 99 cents more) is complemented mechanically by Screaming Bagel whole-wheat pistons, Screaming Bagel sun-dried tomato camshafts, and shot-peened, bakerized, connecting rods. Fuel-mixing duties are handled by a 22-speed S&S Super blender. With all this grain kneading around inside the FLJB engine, the slow-revving J-Boy literally loafs along at highway speeds. A styling nod to Ducati is the high-mounted spicy Italian combo header, cast on-site using the costly lost-meat method. The pipes are routed around the perimeter of the limited-edition cruiser rotisserie-style and feed gracefully into one of the nationwide sandwich chain's proprietary VeggieDeluxe mufflers.

Yep, motorcycles are cool, and other nontraditional and entirely unrelated companies can't wait to produce them in the hopes that some of that chill will rub off. Chromed naked-lady silhouette mud flap, Playboy rabbit bandana, and humorous Jack-a-lope post card manufacturers are lining up to be the next to cash in on biker chic. It would appear that the sky's the limit when it comes to motorcycle cross branding.

Let's hope it goes no further.

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gdusseau
This article is silly.  If Joe is not on his way out, please make arrangements to replace him with one who can write something worthy of being read.
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