The Cretins Motorcycle Club

On any given Thursday, Rick Carmody kickstarts his 1975 Honda CB200T, revs the engine and rolls out into the night. President of the Cretins Motorcycle Club's Los Angeles Chapter, Carmody-a.k.a. Highside-is headed for the club's weekly bike night. This week that's at Little Joy, a hipster dive bar in Echo Park.

The Cretins M.C., formed in Seattle in the early '90s, is made up of vintage bike enthusiasts. But don't let the menacing skull on their club patch scare you. "We are by no means an outlaw club," claims their website. "Just a fun-lovin' bunch with a pint of Rainier, a game of pinball and a 10mm wrench if you need it." That said, the Cretins aren't doctors, lawyers and CPAs, either. "We really are the misfits of the motorcycling world," says member Eric Orr, who goes by DirtyGunn. "We aren't in anybody's eye since we don't ride the style of bikes everybody else does."

Not yet anyway. Although the majority of the Cretins fleet is made up of '70s Japanese bikes, you'll find everything from a Ducati 450 Desmo to a Triton and even a couple of Moto Guzzis in their midst. There aren't many period-correct or accurately restored machines, however, as most of the herd is "cafed-out" and ready for serious riding. "That's what makes a Cretin," says Matt Geiger, 30, a recent transplant from the Seattle chapter. "You don't need to buy a cool-looking, $5000 bike. Get a piece of sh*t and make it your own."

Like many Cretins, Geiger is particularly fond of Hondas. "That's what I know, what I'm comfortable with, and I really love them," he says. "What is amazing to me is a Honda could have been sitting for 20 years, but you do a basic tune-up and it'll fire right up and idle."

"To a degree, the Japanese bikes are much more a part of the American caf-racer scene than the British, because the U.S. is littered with them," explains Justin Kell, owner of Glory, a vintage motorcycle and clothing shop on Hollywood Boulevard (see page 66). "In the '80s and '90s, they used to have illegal roadraces on Japanese caf racers all over the Midwest." The reliability of the Japanese machines also contributed to their popularity. "A guy who wasn't the best mechanic could do some cosmetic mods and have a more maintenance-free ride," continues Kell. "Hell, I learned to work on British bikes by them breaking down!"

Funny bunny: "Cafed-out" Yamaha RD400 with numberplates is emblematic of a Cretins ride.

If it hadn't been for Kell, Orr may never have become a Cretin. "When I moved to L.A. in 2000, Justin was the first person I met who was into these bikes. He was having a rocker ride and I ran into a couple of Cretins I knew from Seattle." When asked to join the club, Orr told them, "If you get an L.A. patch, I'll become a Cretin." Although not a member himself, Kell has made custom sweatshirts for the club through his clothing company, Glory Utility.

At that time, there were just four Cretins in L.A., whereas today there are 17. "We're pretty picky," laughs Orr. "You're not joining a club, you're joining a family," agrees Geiger. "The Cretins are my brothers; they're my family," adds Carmody. "The best part of being a Cretin is that all these guys are my best friends and I trust every one of them." Comprised of various nationalities, ages and professions, the Cretins are bonded by their common love of motorcycles.

"It's funny," comments Fabrizio Mascioni, whose daily ride is a Honda CB400 Four. "When I met these guys, I didn't even know anyone else was into these bikes. That's what's really cool about the club-we really try to bring people in. We started the Two-Wheeled Social Club to keep people informed about our events, but we don't do too many rides. We're kind of a lazy club!"

Typical clubhouse lineup includes everything from a KTM 950 Supermoto to a Honda Trail 90.

Aside from their racing efforts, that is. "I think the racing has gotten everybody excited," adds Mascioni. Adding to their street cred, these guys don't just ride, they also race. And successfully: Carmody, 31, won an AHRMA national roadrace on his '70 Honda CB450 at Miller Motorsports Park in Salt Lake City last fall. Explains Orr, "It started two years ago when Rick raced at the Corsa Moto Classica at Willow Springs. This year two more of us got involved."

Outside of Little Joy, the Cretins & Co. don their pudding-bowl and open-face helmets and get ready to ride to their clubhouse a few miles away. The sound of the vintage bikes roaring to life startles innocent bystanders as they roll out 35-strong. "We really don't get f*cked with since the cops aren't going to pull over this many guys," laughs Orr. They may not set off car alarms like straight-piped Harleys, but they do get a lot of stares from drivers and pedestrians. Still, these guys aren't your average moto-hooligans. "I think being a Cretin makes you a better person," says Carmody. "We're honest with each other so we learn to respect each other and society."

Arriving at the clubhouse, the Cretins line up their bikes outside as a decent-sized group of regulars mills about inside. The clubhouse, which sits on the roof of a building in downtown L.A., is replete with two bars, a pool table and light fixtures made from old helmets. The first thing you notice when walking in is a huge poster of Steve McQueen. The second is the old-school punk rock blasting from the loudspeakers. Music is a big part of the Cretin aesthetic. "It all started with music," explains Rodney Lustre, 31. "I got into the older music, punk rock, '60s stuff, Garage. Then you look at what they had back then motorcycle-wise. The bikes connected me to the music."

Somehow, you just know this sport moped is coming down off that wall someday...

Vintage motorcycles are gaining popularity among both young and old riders. Triumph's retro-looking Bonneville is its best-selling model, and Ducati's SportClassics are also proving popular. "As far as Los Angeles goes, the 'scene' has only increased the value of vintage motorcycle," laments Carmody. Geiger incredulously recalls how he sold a non-running Honda CB350 for $2000 to a guy in a new Land Rover. "It's like a $500 bike!" he exclaims. Although Shannon Sweeney, owner of SS Classics in Venice, maintains that "eBay f*cked everything up," he's the first to reassure you that there are still deals to be had. "The first-time rider can't afford to buy a British basket case for $1500 when he can get a fully functional, road-worthy Japanese bike for about the same price." While Sweeney specializes in classic restorations of 1960-'77 Hondas, he concedes that the clientele for such motorcycles are primarily older guys who want their old bike back. The younger crowd doesn't necessarily insist on such collection-quality machines. "A lot of these first-time riders want a Honda because they're cheaper, easy to work on and have their own style. Also, they're light, low to the ground and not as cookie-cutter as, say, a Rebel."

Rebels without a cause? The Cretins are more like a cause without Rebels.

By Rafael Tassitano

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